


Castiel's Confession

by BlueStar86



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pre-Season/Series 12, Season/Series 12, post 11x23
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-15 20:53:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8072380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueStar86/pseuds/BlueStar86
Summary: After finally saving Sam and getting the Winchesters and their mother safely back to the Bunker, Castiel decides that it is time for him to leave, his services no longer needed and his own heart aching too much to bare now that he knows that Dean will only even see him as a brother.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Destiel anniversary. Happy Birthday to my beloved Angel and happy anniversary to the happy couple! 8 years is far too long to be pining after one another! 
> 
> It is actually past midnight here already but I figured Dean and Cas' anniversary actually lasts 3 days as the 'love at first stab' moment didn't happen until the 20th September. ;-)
> 
> Unbeta'd. If you spot mistakes please let me know so I can correct them. Thanks!

Castiel has his bag packed already. He is tired and the constant weight around his heart has become too much to bear. He did his job. His purpose is complete for the most part. The Winchesters are back safely in the bunker and now they have their mother with them. They have no further use for Castiel.

He catalogues his small duffle of belongings one last time before standing straighter and hauling it over his shoulder. It is better this way. This way he can focus purely on the pursuit of Lucifer, clean up his final mess, and not burden the Winchesters with his presence any longer.

If he leaves now, he hopes that eventually these feelings will go away. That the constant ache of his longing will subside and any fleeting hope he once had has long left his thoughts. Angels are not supposed to have hopes or dreams anyway. He wasn’t built for this kind of _human desire._ He despises it. Like an itch under his skin that he can never satisfy, no matter how often he may wish for it.

Regardless, it doesn’t matter anymore. Not when he is finally certain that his feelings are not returned.

_Brother._

The word rings through Castiel’s memories once again, like it has a thousand times these past few weeks since that car journey that turned out to be so pointless.

_You are our brother Cas._

There it is again, the pain that word causes his heart is far greater than the pain of the stab wound that Dean left him when he first laid eyes on Castiel’s human vessel. In the 8 years that have passed since that moment Castiel has experienced many agonising pains, though none, is as great as the pain caused by that word.

Dean meant nothing but kindness by it of course, and how could Dean have possibly known just how much it would hurt Castiel to say it. He should be grateful, flattered that Dean considers him a brother. To put him on the level of Sam in Dean’s mind is an honour and Castiel is proud that Dean holds him in such high regard.

But it is not enough. Never enough. _Brother_ is not what he wants from Dean. Brother means family, and respect, and sacrifice and yes, even love. But not in that way. Never in that way.

And that is why it hurts so much. That is why Castiel must leave. Because how can he possibly stay knowing that his desires, his feelings are unreturned? Knowing that if Dean were to find out how he felt he would turn away in horror, in repulsion. To think that his _brother_ could feel THAT way for him?

The thought makes Castiel nauseous. And so he must leave.

He makes his way out of the room that Dean had set up for him, creeps down the hall passed the other bedrooms and out into the library. So far he has not heard anyone around so he hopes his exit will remain clear, but it is not to be.

“Cas?” Dean’s voice carries from the far corner where he is sitting half buried by a huge volume of some ancient text on the Occult. Cas freezes and sighs before turning to face him.

Dean is eyeing his duffle suspiciously and closes the dusty volume with a loud THUMP. He puts the book aside and stands to approach Castiel who shifts uncomfortable where he stands.

“Where are you going?” Dean asks.

“I’m leaving Dean.” Castiel answers as firmly as he can manage. Dean’s eyes widen at his announcement as he steps closer and Castiel is reminded of Dean’s talk from years ago about the merits of _personal space._ But then Dean never has followed his own rules on that one.

“Why? You’re coming back right?” Dean sounds hopeful, curious, but there is a waver to his voice that Castiel hates. It comes with a rush of longing from the man but Castiel has long since learned to shut that out. To ignore the tiny flash of hope it always gives him. That hope does not exist.

“No.” He says sternly. Dean’s face drops and he steps back.

“What do you mean no?” He asks, and his voice shakes in his confusion.

“I’m sorry Dean. I have no choice.” Castiel doesn’t want to drag this out, he tightens his grip on his duffle and turns away from Dean to walk towards the exit. He is stopped again by a firm hand on his shoulder.

“That ain’t a good enough reason Cas. You can’t just up and leave like that. Don’t I-we deserve to know why?” Dean is angry. His brow is furrowed and Castiel hates to see him like this. He sighs and drops the duffle.

“I need to find Lucifer. I have to clean up the last of my messes. You know as well as I do that we cannot let him remain loose in the world.” At that Dean visibly relaxes and he huffs a laugh.

“Well yeah Cas, we all need to find Lucifer, but we are working on it. Together. Why would you leave and do that on your own? We are family. We’ll figure it out. We always do.”

Ah the ‘company line’ as Dean would call it. Cas huffs and shakes his head at his friend. His _Brother_ he thinks bitterly. “I need to do this alone Dean. I do not wish to put you or your family in any further harm.” He goes to pick his duffle up but Dean stops him with a squeeze to his arm. He tries to ignore the sparks he feels at Dean’s touch, knowing his body is once again betraying him with his attraction to the man.

“My family includes you Cas. Remember? We’re brothers. You don’t _need_ to do this alone. Stay and we’ll sort it out.”

He tries to repress his flinch at hearing Dean use that word again but knows that it doesn’t go unnoticed. He shakes his head.

“No Dean. I’m sorry. I can’t stay here.” He turns and starts walking towards the exit but Dean catches up and stands in his path.

“Something is wrong with you.” Dean says. He gives Castiel a calculated look and Castiel hates it. He can feel his face warming and shifts again, trying to get passed Dean.

“What’s the matter Cas? Why are you suddenly so desperate to leave? What’s going on?” So many questions and Castiel hates them all. Why can’t this man every let Castiel get any peace?

“Dean, please! Just let me go.” He practically begs but Dean is insistent. He holds onto him tighter now, gripping both of his arms.

“What’s wrong? What’s happened? Why are you leaving?” Castiel can feel his heart pounding and his pulse racing in his ears. He is panicking and can’t take Dean’s relentless questioning. He shakes him off and gets closer to the stairs but Dean holds onto him again.

“Dean! You and your family are safe! Let me go! I have done my bit.” Dean’s recoils at that but shakes himself off and continues his questions. Castiel’s head is pounding now with his panic attack and his thoughts are becoming muffled.

“I can’t stay here with you Dean. I can’t be around you now. Not anymore.” He thinks that he has already said too much and when he looks back at Dean the hurt is evident in his face. He tries to ascend the stairs towards the exit but pauses as Dean shouts out in his anger and pain at Castiel’s leaving.

“Dammit Cas! At least tell me WHY?”

“Because I’m in LOVE with you!”

Dean falls silent and Castiel recoils in shock at his sudden and unexpected confession. He steps back off of the first step and turns to face Dean properly. Dean is staring at him with wide eyes.

Castiel sighs. He wipes his hand over his face and only then does he notice the tears that have streaked his cheeks. He rubs his eyes in embarrassment and leans against the hand rail of the spiral staircase.

“Cas-“ Dean starts to speak but Castiel raises a hand and stops him.

“Don’t. don’t speak.” He sighs and looks away from Dean, shoulders slumped and head weary. “At least give me a chance to explain myself before you say anything.”

With that Castiel pulls over two chairs with a flick of his grace and beckons Dean to sit down. Dean tries to speak, most likely to argue with him but his eyes widen as he realises that Castiel has taken away his ability to speak at this moment.

“My apologies Dean. That was an accident. Though it will come in handy as if you are going to know the truth, you might as well know the whole truth. Perhaps then you will allow me to leave with some of my dignity still in tact.”

Dean rolls his eyes and gestures grandly at him, flapping his arms and pointed to his mouth. Cas just shakes his head.

“Dean. Please. This is the last thing I will ever ask of you. I promise. Just let me explain, and then let me leave. In the meantime, sit.”

Dean gives a defeated sigh and slumps down on the chair. Crossing his arms and tapping his foot on the floor. Castiel turns away from him. If he is going to admit all of this he doesn’t want to see Dean’s reaction, his disgust. He can’t quite bare to see Dean direct such a look at him.

“Dean. I have been here for a very long time.”

He can hear Dean shift in his seat but he ignores him. Preferring to talk into his hands.

“I have seen many things.

Before when we were stationed to watch humanity, before I raised you from perdition, before I took a vessel. I watched.

I observed humanity in all its wonders, as you grew and developed and learnt to do wonderful things. You truly are a remarkable species. My fathers most prized creation. You took such wonder in the world, and you drew inspiration from it, created art, and poetry, and so many stories. Metatron may have forcefully shoved all those stories into my mind, but sometimes I am grateful for it. There is beauty in the works of humanity.

Of all the things I watched with curiosity, the one thing that astounded me the most was the human preoccupation with love. It always seemed so trivial before, and yet practically all of your creations drew from it as your greatest inspiration, even more so than your bibles. I didn’t understand at the time. All we knew as angels was that our father ordered us to love humans. Love to us, was an order. Just like everything else.

When Anna fell, I wondered why. Though looking back, deep down I knew, for I hungered the same way she did. Though it was considered blasphemy to want to experience such human things as dreams, and desires, and art, and most of all, love.

Many would say that angels were not capable of such a thing. That we were not built the same way as you. I believed that for a long time.

But then I met you. Rachel was right you know. When I first touched your soul in hell, I was lost in that moment.”

Castiel glances up at Dean and catches his eye. Dean is calm and his expression is sad. Castiel considers it as pity. He sighs and turns away again.

“What you called friendship, camaraderie, brotherhood, I accepted. I felt honoured that you would consider me in such a way. That such a term as brother might apply to me. But… as much as I tried out those terms, as appropriate descriptions for my feelings for you, in my continued pursuit to understand the full spectrum of human emotion, the more I understood, the less I felt those terms fully encapsulated exactly what my feelings were.

But then, I fell. I was stripped of my grace, and sent back to earth wingless, powerless, helpless and hopeless. Completely I was human. And those emotions that I thought I was starting to grasp, to clarify in my mind, just when I thought I had understood, I realised I understood nothing. Nothing at all. As the full weight of human emotion truly hit me. And the truth of the sheer magnitude of my love for you became clear.

I have never felt pain like I felt then. No torture could ever come close to that feeling. Knowing that I could never be with you the way I truly desired.

Because I knew then, as a human, that my desire for you was not returned. That you did not see me the same way as you saw those women you wooed. That you took to your bed. The pornography you watch and the magazines you read. There is no one in those magazines that looks like me. I therefore understand that you could never fine me, in this form at least… desirable.”

He spares Dean a quick glance and swears that Dean is blushing. Dean is looking down now at his hands and shifting in his seat. Castiel chooses not to dwell on his body language as he continues.

“As an angel, I have never truly understood the human concepts of gender and sexuality and the social constrictions that you as a species put on yourselves in relation to them. The idea that you repress any individual who may deviate from a desired norm is utterly ridiculous to me. But I do understand that some humans only find other genders desirable, and that every human is different and has their own sexuality. As an angel gender meant nothing to me, but I have grown accustomed to this form which I now consider my own body. In it, I know that I am viewed as male and therefore understand that from a social perspective it would certainly be easier for me to go through this life seeking members of the opposite sex, but I am not able to do that Dean. I saw you and only you and I realised, in my human form, that if I was ever to experience human desire, affection, attraction, lust… love. It was all for you. Only for you.

But I understand that you would not see me that way. I did, once, consider taking a female vessel. In the hopes that perhaps it would change things between us, but I have grown accustomed to this form and there would of course be the matter of the human soul. I could not do that to another person Dean. You must understand that the guilt I feel over what I put Jimmy through continues to eat away at me. The knowledge that he is safely in heaven isn’t enough for me to overcome that guilt, but it helps that he is at peace now. I could never put another human through that.

So you see I consider this my body. And there lies my problem.

I understand fully well that you will never return my feelings Dean. That you would never find me desirable the way you do with women. You have made your feelings for me perfectly clear. And I am forever grateful that you would call me brother. Though I will not deny that each time you say that word I am suffocated by my own disappointment and rejection.”

Dean sits up straighter in his seat and tries to speak once again, but he is still silenced by Castiel’s grace. Castiel sighs and stands to face him.

“If you wish for me to leave, I will. I do not want to burden you with my feelings. I only want you to know, that everything I have done, everything. It was all for you. I will always watch over you Dean, and Sam of course, as your brother, I also see him as mine. Truly I do. I love Sam as much as it is possible to love a person in a platonic sense. But that is of course, where my feelings for the both of you differ.

I just want you to know, that I had no ill intent. I do not wish to make you uncomfortable, and I am sorry that I have been unable to continue to repress my feelings for you. Frankly, I am in love with you. Utterly, completely, unfathomably, in love with you.

Therefore the only way for me to go on, is if I leave. Because being around you and knowing my affections are not returned has become far too painful for me to manage.”

With a wave of his hand, he freed Dean from his grace gag. He sees the moment Dean realises he can speak again and lets out a breath.

Castiel steels himself for Dean’s anger, perhaps he would shout, or punch him in the face. He would deserve it anyway. He has crossed the lines of their friendship with his desire and his love and he has no doubt that Dean would be justified in any reaction he has.

What he doesn’t expect is Dean standing up slowing and stepping towards him, face neutral and head held high. He invades Castiel’s personal space and cups his face with his hands. Warm calloused fingers stroke over his cheekbones as Dean holds his gaze. His eyes are glistening which only now does Castiel realise are red with tears. His heart leaps in his chest and he tries extremely hard to shove down that flicker of hope that is slowly becoming a raging fire inside him.

Finally, Dean speaks.

“You are such a freaking dumbass.” Dean grins and Castiel doesn’t have time to process what that means before Dean leans in and presses his lips to Castiel’s.

He holds him steady, kissing him firmly and passionately, pulling him close as his tongue thrusts into Castiel’s mouth and Castiel sees stars. Dean’s hands slide back to run through his hair and hold him closer in a tight grip. Castiel melts into the kiss with a small sigh as he opens further to Dean’s ministrations, gladly meeting every movement, every slide of lip and tongue and teeth.

When they finally break for air Dean is beaming at him, his hands sliding over his back and shoulders and Castiel presses himself into him tightly, cataloguing every place where their bodies line up perfectly. At some point in the last few moments he wrapped his arms around Dean’s waste and has to physically remind himself not to squeeze too tight in his enthusiasm. Not that Dean seems to mind.

“Dean… I-“

“Shhh” Dean interrupts. “Cas… that was some declaration. At least give me a chance to say something back huh?”

Dean grins at him and Castiel looks down, suddenly shy. Dean reaches up and taps on his chin, forcing him to look up at him again.

“Ya know I’m not great with words man. But um… ditto. To all of that” he gestures casually and Castiel huffs a quick laugh and raises an eyebrow at him.

“Was that a _Ghost_ reference?”

Dean chuckles. “It’s still so weird you getting pop culture references now. But yeah man. Swayze always gets a pass.”

Cas just nods and smiles at him again, before furrowing his brow in confusion.

“But Dean… I thought you were-“

Dean cuts him off again. “Cas… you clearly didn’t take a long enough look at my porn collection. Besides, isn’t this enough proof that I am totally okay with your… um… body?” He raises an eyebrow and thrusts his hips forward slightly. Castiel wonders what he is talking about for all of a second before he raises his eyebrows and glances down.

“Oh!” He grins up at Dean and Dean chuckles.

“And dude, the brother thing was just…” Dean pauses and waves a hand. “I guess I just thought that was what you wanted to hear. Like I know I’ve said before, we are both a couple of dumbasses.”

Castiel nods and presses his hips forward and watches Dean draw in a sharp breath.

“So you’re not going anywhere right?” Dean asks, and there is a slight hesitancy in his voice. Castiel smiles widely at him.

“No Dean. I’m staying.”

“Good.” He says, before leaning in to kiss Castiel a second time.


End file.
